Lately, in the newspapers, and on television, there have been reports focusing on a small section of modern society called 'Goths.' Depending on which newscast you watched, or what article you read, these social outcasts are involved in such unspeakable a trocities as satan worship, ritual suicide, and thinking Marilyn Manson is 'cool.' It has also been suggested that they travel in gangs, walk the graves, and go for the bones of beloved ancestors and blessed saints. Despite the media's tendency to sensati onalise any group of not-normal people they can find, there are some instances of goths doing some things so bizarre, and so horrifying to the sensibilities of most people, that the media dared not show them to an audience where children might be present. So, as a public service, I present some of the darkest secrets of the gothic subculture to you. Remember: DO NOT try any of this yourself! It could result in a lot of people coming up and asking you, "What the hell's your problem??!?
"Vlad" (Not his real name) is a typical goth, not very different from goths you might see on TV. Vlad does a lot of the same things the TV goths do, such as wear lots of black and be seen at clubs, but Vlad has a secret he's keeping from is friends: He ha s a job. Not just any job, mnd you. Vlad works for a bank, in the lending division. Since he fears other goths finding him in a position of employment, and the ostracising that would inevitably follow, he must painstakingly disguise himself every morning before "work," as a yuppie. "It's not as bad as it seems at first," confides Vlad, "it's rather nice being able to afford food of my own, instead of having to resort to drinking blood." After a painstaking amount of research, I was able to find several ot her goths secretly holding down stable, and even lucrative jobs, everything from waitress to rocket scientist, almost always in disguise as a "normal" person. Perhaps someday the notion of goths being "employed" will be more widely accepted, but it seems obvious a more tolerant scene will have to emerge first.
"Lucretia" is another goth girl who I encountered, who has a peculiar sexual fetish that has to be seen to be believed. For you see, Lucretia is married. After discussing why a goth would want to do something so, well, unusual, she told me it makes her ha ppy. For some reason, she gets aroused by the idea of unlimited sex with the same loving spouse for the rest of her life. Admittedly, this practice has resulted in both Lucretia and her 'husband' acquiring a sexually transmitted disease. They have had it for about 18 months now. They named it Lydia and expect it will be out of diapers soon. Despite this, Lucretia says she's never been happer, and has no regrets about having a case of Lydia that will almost certainly last the rest of her life. "Hey, can th e Clap say 'Ma-ma?'" she asks. "I think not!"
Finally, we come to "LaCroix," a self professed goth who has, in fact, been on more than one TV special focusing on goths. However, there is one dark secret he has not been willing to share. Not because he especially fears being the laughing stock of the gothic community, but because no one would believe it. You see, LaCroix worships the god Jehovah (Je-Hoe'-Vuh), more commonly known as God. This is a practice that is difficult even for most hard-core goths to swallow. When asked what would possess him to do such a thing, he responded, "Well, God has never asked me to kill anyone." He went on to tell me more, but for space purposes, his other justifications had to be left out. While religion is something goths son't usually deal with very fervently, LaCro ix claims he usually keeps his beliefs to himself because people would just think he's crazy. They might be right. From this interviewer's point of view, I don't really have as much of a problem as most people. I asked him if, because of his relgious conv ictions, had any urge at all to remove my skull and use it as a candleholder. He just laughed and said no. So, I figured, as long as he stays away from the kitchen knives, it won't be a problem. But fear not, because there are very few of this sort of got h running around.
To sum up, the goths I talked to seemed like normal people, but like all people, they had something to hide. Surely these pwople I found were not the only ones with such bizarre personal practices and sexual fetishes. I don't present this to alarm you, bu
t purely for your information. If you or someone you love is gothic, there is no help for them. Their condition is completely untreatable. Just try to understand, for their sake, that they are just like that, and if you try to change them, they'll probabl
y spray Aqua Net in your eyes!